"When you're desperate for love and not God, you end up getting into a relationship that stimulates your body and destroys your spirit. When you're desperate for Jesus, you find someone who pushes you to grow spiritually and will let you know they may be nice, but only God can satisfy."
-Tovares Grey @GodlyDating101
We're now living in a generation where being in a relationship is top priority on the list of life goals. We've all seen it. You stroll down your newsfeed and see several statuses about being single and lonely, wishing they were in a relationship or wondering where Mr./Mrs. Right is. You see people idolizing famous couples with the hopes of one day being in a relationship just like theirs. You watch others change their relationship statuses on Facebook every other month. It seems like everything is revolving around relationships these days. We usually define single as not being in a relationship, but we must remember that until you have signed an approved marriage certificate, you are still classified as single, whether you are in a relationship or not.
Now myself, I have not been in a "formal" relationship since I was 19 years old (I know what you're thinking...8 years ago?!) So you know why I kind of scoff when I hear people say they are dying because they've been single for only a year. However, I have dated a few times since then but nothing serious. If there is anything that I did learn while dating was this:
You do not and I repeat DO NOT have to date everyone that shows an interest in you. This is the quickest way to disappointment, heartache, and having your time wasted. After dealing with a few heartbreaks, we're quick to say "well..there aren't any good men or women out there." But who told you that you had to try them all? You knew good and well from the start that this was not the type of person that you were going to one day marry. You're usually just dating them because you're feeling lonely inside.
See I was that "try out" type of person where I figured everyone deserved a chance because I didn't like rejecting guys or either I was optimistic about their character. Surely I was wrong! I ended up finding out that these guys did not have my best interest at heart and they were a waste of my time. But can I completely blame them? No, because at some point, I knew their true character had been revealed to me but I still chose to stick around because I was feeling the "relationship void" in my heart.
Yes, the "relationship void". That's the emptiness you feel in your heart that has you longing for a relationship more than anything. You feel really lonely. You start complaining about being single and don't feel content about your life if you are not involved with someone. You'll accept anything just to say you have someone. You start compromising your beliefs and standards just so they will stick around or they will notice you. When you have this void in your heart, you start settling for less than what you deserve. You're making the road for the one God has for you to meet even longer because you decided to take some detours that you really didn't need to make along the way.
When Jesus is truly in your heart and the center of your joy, you won't need to fill those voids with anything else. The love that Jesus has for us will fill any void or emptiness you may be feeling in your heart. Each of us were born with a purpose that we are to fulfill. Everyone can't go where you are going and everyone isn't a good fit for your life. It's like trying to force a puzzle piece into a space where it doesn't fit. No matter how hard you try, it will NEVER fit or connect. They will end up becoming an distraction from what God has called you to do. That's why the bible says that we should be equally yoked.
2 Corinthians 6:14 (KJV) says, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?"
It is VERY IMPORTANT that you are equally yoked. You have to be on the same page. The person you choose to date needs to be saved and have a TRUE relationship with Jesus. I'm not talking about one of those Christians that claim they go to church but still believe in conforming to the world's standards. I mean someone who is truly walking, talking, and breathing God's word daily. How will you know the difference? By the fruit they produce (Matt 7:18-20).
Galatians 5:22-23 (KJV) says, "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith (23) Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
If the person you choose to become involved with is not equally yoked with you, the two of you won't be on the same page. You'll find yourself compromising your standards and values, rather than you influencing them. It is easier for them to pull you off of the chair than you pulling them onto the chair. I'm not saying that it's not possible that your partner can find salvation while you are in a relationship, because I've seen it happen. But it can sometimes be very difficult.
It is also very important that you are equally yoked in the religious sense. It's hard enough dating an unbeliever but what happens when you are dating someone who is of a different religion? Somewhere along the line either someone will have to end up converting or you will both just have separate religions. If there is one day a child involved, they will be split on what to believe. Say if you were planning a wedding, and you want to have it at a church but because of your partner's religion, they don't want to have it there. That cause a rift in your relationship. If that person doesn't respect you or your beliefs, then there will always be disagreements concerning religion. That can be a really sticky situation. So make sure that the person you choose to become involved have the same views you do concerning their faith.
I remember dating a guy that always used to question me about the bible and tell me that it was written wrong according to the history channel. He used to always either add or subtract something from the bible. He used to call my relationship with Christ, "your religion." I knew right then and there that we were unequally yoked and that eventually we would need to go our separate ways. As you all know, I have a ministry that teaches young girls and teens about living pure for God including abstaining from sex until marriage. Being well aware of my ministry, he didn't believe in that or even respected it. This period of dating was starting to become a distraction from what God has called me to do. The person that God has for you will truly love and honor Him, therefore, meaning that they will love and honor.
As a single person, we have to use that time to truly understand who we are. We need to understand what our purpose is and gain a closer relationship with God. It is very important that your identity and standards are established before you start dating or enter into a relationship. If you don't, that person's standards will choose your identity for you. When you're truly walking in God's word and living your purpose, you just don't accept any and everything that comes your way. You start walking with discernment.
For example, just because I'm walking down the street and a dude yells "Aye shawty or Aye sexy" doesn't mean I'm going to giggle and walk their way. I have discernment that this person is not respectfully talking to me which displays the type of character they possess towards a woman. Now I'm not saying that I don't speak when I walk down the street but you have to understand that you have to come correct. I don't mind a "Hey, how are you today?"
We rush into these relationships, feeding our loneliness and then get upset when things go sour. Stop bending your standards just so you can have someone. Author and Pinky Promise CEO, Heather Lindsey, describes her standards as "deal breakers." These are standards that you will not break NO MATTER WHAT.
My top 5 are:
1.) He has to have a relationship with Jesus. I don't mean just going to church on Sunday, but daily living. (James 1:22-23)
2.) He has to respect my decision to wait until my wedding night until we engage in sex. If they are truly walking in God's word, then they will follow what God has said as well (I Corinth 7:1-2). I don't want the man that respects my decision but still chooses to watch pornography and masturbates. You're still giving into your flesh and we're not connecting on a spiritual or emotional level.
3.) He has to care about other people. If he has no concern for others, this just shows me that God's love is not inside of him. Jesus says in John 13:34-35 says, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another, as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (35) By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples (followers), if ye have love one to another."
4.) I don't want a man that I can run over. Been there, done that when it came to dating. I was always able to get my way and get whatever I wanted out of them. I want my future husband to be a leader. Sometimes, it is ok if they tell you no. As a wife, you are suppose to submit to you husband (Ephesians 5:22-24). I can't submit to someone who is not leading me.
5.) He has to have respect. There is nothing more that I can't stand is a man that has a disrespectful character. I won't even date a guy that has the b-word (female dog) in his vocabulary. I feel as if you can "indirectly" call a woman one, then you will eventually disrespect me by calling me one.
It's time to start dating with purpose and not dating just to date. What we want to strive for is courtship. Courting is defined as two equally yoked people, who have excluded themselves from the secular dating philosophy, who are working towards marriage. When you are courting, you are together for a purpose. There's accountability and standards. You are both walking in the will of God and are on the same page. You bring out the good in each other. They are you help meet.
Gen 2:18 (KJV) says, "And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."
Gen 2:21-23 (KJV) says, "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; (22) And the rib, which the Lord God hath taken from man, made he woman, and brought her unto the man. (23) And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Dating is more like continuous "try outs" or "auditions" You don't have to try everyone out. Everyone who is interested isn't eligible. You want to court so you can build and develop with that person spiritually, mentally, emotionally. So ask yourself, Am I settling for less than I deserve? Am I just dating this person just to fill my loneliness or to say I have somebody? Do you just want to change your relationship status on Facebook? If the answers to these questions are yes, then you might have some reevaluating to do. When you understand how much you are worth, you stop giving people discounts. You won't keep settling. You are content with life and you trust God's timing for the one He has for you. God can't bring your one day spouse if that seat is always taken. Wait for God's best and stop wasting your time with people who you see no future with.
Acknowledge. Fix. Keep it Moving..
Gen 2:18 (KJV) says, "And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."
Gen 2:21-23 (KJV) says, "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; (22) And the rib, which the Lord God hath taken from man, made he woman, and brought her unto the man. (23) And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Dating is more like continuous "try outs" or "auditions" You don't have to try everyone out. Everyone who is interested isn't eligible. You want to court so you can build and develop with that person spiritually, mentally, emotionally. So ask yourself, Am I settling for less than I deserve? Am I just dating this person just to fill my loneliness or to say I have somebody? Do you just want to change your relationship status on Facebook? If the answers to these questions are yes, then you might have some reevaluating to do. When you understand how much you are worth, you stop giving people discounts. You won't keep settling. You are content with life and you trust God's timing for the one He has for you. God can't bring your one day spouse if that seat is always taken. Wait for God's best and stop wasting your time with people who you see no future with.
Acknowledge. Fix. Keep it Moving..
